Kenny Bloggins

I both went to bed and woke up this morning in what we in the industry call a "funk". I'm not sure if it was the stomach virus I acquired while on vacation still delivering a proper ass kicking, or a number of other less physical, more emotional things that have been bothering me as of late. But one thing is for sure: I felt like a bag of processed walrus shit. I had no desire to see, communicate with, or have the slightest interaction with another human being. Or did I? For one of the first times since I found myself without a fiancee' in early April, I felt lonely. Helpless. Pathetic, even. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why, but there was no way around the rut I was in. I'm typically a rather quick witted, sarcastic, and fun individual, but I felt like the proverbial teeth weren't sharp anymore. Like I had lost something. I said fuck it, shot Marvin in the face, went to bed, and hoped I'd wake up today with a different attitude. Morning came around and no such luck. I probably could have cried like a rape victim in the shower had I let myself, but I didn't. Just sucked it up and went on with my routine. Par for this course, without a doubt.

However today, somewhere around coffee number one and cigarette number whatever, I had an epiphany (been having a lot of those lately, only some of which seem to stick). The amount of potential in me is insanely ridiculous, and it's up to me to harness every bit of it rather than pissing around like a depressed, melodramatic teenage girl. I just don't have that in me anymore. And when those feelings come around, it's almost as if I need to WORK on being sad. As in I have to go over every negative feeling I have and over analyze the living hell out of each one. And I suppose that can only mean that currently in Dustin-land, the good is heavily outweighing the bad. The sad, depressed, lonely evenings are getting less and less frequent. And it almost seemed as though I was LUCKY to only have one episode of that as of late rather than several.

So with that in mind, I started pondering the awesome people and things I have and should appreciate every minute of every day. I get to live in a house with my best friend and hang with him everyday, play and write music with amazing friends, be free to explore whatever I want to explore now with far less limitations, and live in the moment. All of the time. I've taken a LOT for granted for a very LONG time, never fully realizing how lucky I am to have experienced so many things/people in such a short time (err...27 years). That isn't who I am anymore. Every moment seems to mean something now. Every conversation holds more weight. I LISTEN to other people when they say things now, and actually THINK about them rather than only hearing fragments of statements while waiting for my turn to speak. And that is just one of many things that are different about me now.

Re-inventing yourself after some truly life altering situations is a long, tedious, demanding, but fulfilling process. And I'm just thankful to finally have the heart, balls, and mind to do it. Took me numerous broken hearts, traumatic situations, and hard fucking lessons to get here, but there is no stopping me now.

Now that I've gone all Tony Robbins on everyone, I'm gonna listen to some Mastodon. Beards and Flying V's. Let me have 'em.